I recently went to a wedding and got blown away.
I’ve been to lots of weddings. I’ve done lots of weddings. I’ve been in student ministry for decades so I’ve done a lot of these, maybe 200 or more. Maybe because this time I was watching instead of leading it that something hit me for the first time. Hit me hard.
I noticed that the Anglican/Episcopal wedding service I’d led so many times asks the bride and groom to answer this question:
“Will you have this man (woman) to be your husband (wife); to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him (her), comfort him (her), honor and keep him (her), in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him (her) as long as you both shall live?”
The answer is “I will.”
What hit me hard was how incredibly presumptuous this answer is. I mean, compare it to the service of baptism. When the person being baptized is asked questions that include “Will you,” the answer shows a lot more humility: “I will, with God’s help.”
With God’s help. How come we don’t clearly acknowledge our need for God’s help while entering into marriage? Is it because marriage is sooo easy – tying the knot is like tying our shoes? We don’t really need God’s help for that, do we?
Marriage can be an incredible wellspring of blessing if you’re given the Grace to enter the dance of Ephesians 5 -- which you can only do with God's help. Or it can suck your soul if you’re stuck in a marriage where that Grace is absent or refused by one or both. Or it can simply be mundane: doing life like doing the laundry. Or it can mutate into a dark idol that holds God hostage to its supreme demands. (Some of that idol's minions even have popular radio shows.)
As I reflected on this I was overwhelmed by the sensation that I’ve helped hundreds of people to launch into this deep, life-altering commitment with an attitude of presumption. While I only know of a couple of those marriages that have ended, I still wonder about the toxic effect of presuming too much. Could this be one reason so many marriages turn out to be so difficult? Is it that God opposes the proud and pride is woven into the very wedding service itself?
God also gives grace to the humble. There’s one insight I won't neglect again.
I distinctly remember walking down the aisle 32 years ago with a nagging thought: “What if this isn’t the right person? I know I think I’ve been following God, but what if I’ve just made a horrible mistake and blundered on despite God’s will, rather than IN God’s will?” And then I had the sanest thought of my life: “Well, it’s up to you now, God. You’ll just have to take care of it and it’s your problem!” I’ve never had such a sane thought since I simply didn’t worry about it, which is very unlike me.
ReplyDeleteIt never occurred to us that we were on our own, making the marriage work. Of course we each have to take responsibility, and we work hard at that. But we know that without God, we’re history. Even now, when we do argue (which, thankfully, is blessedly rare), I still pray through the arguments, “Jesus, please come and intervene or we’re in trouble!” He’s kept us laughing and loving, and we’re very aware that without God we’d be very capable of destroying our marriage any day.
I guess it’s like forgiveness – not something we can do on our own, and it has to come from God. You may be onto something. Good thought.